As I finish up one of the most grueling, challenging years of my life, I have a testimony to share I never would have expected in the midst of my horrendous circumstances brought on more than anything by the consequences of a loved one’s sinful choices.
For years, I stood in faith – wobbly much of the time, strong others, I will confess – that God would work a miracle in my life concerning my relationship with my loved one. I never saw the miracle I sought all those years. But what God birthed right in the midst of it all is phenomenal – something only God could do.
When I realized I would not get the miracle I sought for so long regarding my loved one, I then begged God to take away the pain, the grief, and the aftermath of my loved one’s final choice and the consequences of that destructive choice. The details are really irrelevant. Suffice it to say the emotional pain was unbearable – and compounded by a years-long other situation that has been horrifically painful. On top of everything, I lost two of the most precious dogs I have ever had – and my financial support from my loved one with no explanation or warning.
God shocked me. The Lord I love more than anything and everyone not only did not work the miracle I sought for so long. My God let me walk through every ounce of pain and grief and hurt that I told Him was so unbearable. What kind of God is He?
God did not change my circumstances. What did God change? He changed me. When my loved one made the last of a long series of choices that caused more hurt and harm than I could possibly imagine, I realized I had two choices. I could go the way of the Lord – or the way of evil. I chose the former. I gave God all of me – absolutely every bit of me. And I asked Him to change my heart and make me the woman He created me to be.
He did not change the circumstances in my life, and to this day they are no different. But I am. I spent a good part of this past year asking the Lord to purge me of anything unholy, repenting, seeking forgiveness from the Lord and from people, forgiving those who have hurt me as the Lord showed me the unforgiveness in my heart, and learning to live in a brand new way – the way the Lord intended all along.
Rather than change my circumstances, God used my circumstances to work a miracle in me. I was so broken from my circumstances that I was completely pliable and moldable in the hands of the Lord. He could do anything with me, and I let Him.
My life circumstances today are as hard as they have been. Almost nothing outside of me has changed. But I have. I know a peace I have never known, I have a hope I have never had, and I am learning to love with the love of the Lord.
I am at the bare beginning of where God is taking me. I would have missed so much if I had gone to where God was calling me with the wrong heart.
Years ago, my pastor told me God would prepare me before He set me in the place He had called me. Little did I know the most important preparation of all was not in the details of my life – but in the very inside of my heart.
The Lord lives inside me, and He wants His temple to be holy. This past year, the Lord has showered me in His love, bathed me in His forgiveness, and grown me up in His Word.
If your cirucmstances have not changed as you have prayed, perhaps you face the same opportunity I have had. Rather than beg God to change them, why not allow Him to change you. I believe with all my heart my circumstances will change for the good. I believe I am headed for great things, for healing and restoration and goodness in every area of my life.
But first, the Lord God almighty wanted to make my heart ready for the life that lies ahead.
Love in Jesus Christ.