Healing Without Jesus

Healing without Jesus. I did it all. Therapy. Counseling. Recovery groups. Self-help groups. Psychologists. Psychiatrists. Self-help books. Medications. Hospitals. Psychiatric ward. At one time, I attended therapy three times a week in addition to a melange of the above. I got my healing alright. I was struggling with a host of issues, but one issue was the foundation of them all. It was so overwhelming, so intimidating, so powerful, so gripping, so debilitating, and so daunting that I could not imagine I would ever heal. But I did. The only trouble is I didn’t realize the healing I received was a big fat band-aid on top of something that only Jesus could heal.

So it shouldn’t have been a surprise in past months when the band-aid was torn off my heart and I once again faced the indescribable. If you know what it’s like to rip a band-aid off a scrape, imagine ripping a band-aid off a heart so wounded by an unspeakable crime at the hands of another that even in our modern world nobody wants to talk about it. But there I was, with a wound just as gaping wide as ever. While I thank God for every ounce of help I received years ago, I understand now why my healing was only superficial. I was missing Jesus. I did not know Jesus back then. At one point, I asked Him into my heart to be my Lord.

But I did not find a church, find a pastor, study the Bible, apply the Bible to my life, or, most importantly, develop a relationship with the Lord. I was as lost, and as broken, as ever. The help I received took the edge off my pain. But I did not have Jesus to heal me. And now, years later, I understand why it looks like I have gone backwards – when I so desperately want to go forward. The Lord loves me too much to let me go through the rest of my life with a band-aid on my heart. He wants me to receive His healing – the healing He died on the cross so I could have.

Last night, in church, I sat in the very back with gut-wrenching sobs. As people worshiped, I spiraled back into the past – and had flashbacks I have rarely had in recentl years. But something was different this time. There was no band-aid to cover me back up. There was something altogether different, and altogether awesome. There, standing in front of me with open arms, His tender eyes looking down on me, His heart wide open to embrace me, His sweet comfort beckoning me, stood Jesus.

I did not see Jesus in front of me, not really. But I knew He was there. I knew He is here. In me. In my heart. Waiting, waiting. He didn’t offer me a band-aid last night, nor has He offered me one today. He does not want to cover me back up with a piece of plastic. I thank God for every person He has sent me to help me through the years. But now I know none of this is enough. There is only one thing that is enough. Jesus Himself.

And He stands before me, and He stands before you, waiting. Will I open my heart to Him? Will you? Will I open my arms to Him? Will you? Will I open my life to Him? Will you? No matter how bruised and wounded I have been at the hands of others through my life, or even from myself, will I muster up the strength – and the trust – to place in Him? Will you? Will I go through my flashbacks this time around, as I had last night, and do it differently? Will you? This time, I do not sense that I am alone. I know I am not. He is here with me. And He will not cover me with a band-aid. He will cover me with Himself. He will cover me with the wings of the almighty, my Father in heaven.

Jesus, cover me. I am broken before you. I am wounded. But you can heal. And you will heal. I need only ask you. And I ask you now. Jesus, will you heal me? Please, Jesus. I do not want to go through the rest of my life with this wide open wound. I want to be healed. By you. No band-aid will do it. But you will. I believe you want to heal me. And I place my trust in you, asking you now, in this moment, to come into my heart and life like never before and to cover me with your love, to cover me with your mercy, to cover me with your Truth, and to heal that our Father might be glorified and that I might walk through the rest of my life knowing this – you are my Healer. I love you, my Jesus. My precious Jesus. Thank you Lord. Thank you for your healing. Thank you for taking off my band-aid and showing me the help I received in the past was only that. Help. But you are more than this. You are everything. Be everything to me, my Lord. My Lord. My Lord. Amen. 

 1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
         Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
 2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
         My God, in Him I will trust.” Psalm 91 NKJV

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