I Decided to Kill Myself


“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

“For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit.” 1 Peter 3:18

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulationbut be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

My beloved parents lovingly gave me their ocean-front condo for a few months with one proviso. I would try to write my first book and see if I had the discipline to be a writer. I kept the condo keys, moved to the porch of a tiny house with housemates, got a job at a bar-restaurant, drank to no end, chased drunk men, and returned long enough to the condo to sit behind my computer, look out over the ocean, and decide to kill myself. I got too drunk to drown myself in the ocean like I planned. Instead, I drove around drunk searching for only God knows what. I never wrote the book. I failed the discipline test. And I spent the next 20 years or so spiraling downward, lost and broken and contemplating suicide on and off for decades.

Fast forward to today. I still don’t have the discipline to be a writer. Instead, I have the Lord Jesus Christ reigning in my heart and life. I don’t have the discipline; instead I am His devoted disciple. For Christ’s sake, in Christ’s love, in Christ’s name, for Christ’s glory, I have an international ministry, have written 6 books, do streets ministry, write and publish Gospel tracts, devotionals, and books, and am overflowing with Jesus’ love, mercy, grace, hope, peace, and passion. I am healthy and whole and sold out for Christ and telling the world about Him.

Jesus Christ saved me from suicide. He saved me from brokenness. He saved me from being lost and purposeless. He saved me from childhood sex abuse, alcoholism, anorexia, post traumatic stress disorder, major depression, debilitating anxiety, suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, abandonment by my family and two husbands, the tragic loss of numerous loved ones and numerous dogs, and from hopelessness and despair and the desire to die to escape the pain of it all. He saved me from my sins. He saved me from myself. God almighty forgave me my sins and gave me everlasting life through faith in and a life devoted utterly to Jesus. I have love, hope, peace, joy, purpose, and the promise of a forever relationship with Christ.

I decided to die. Jesus saved me and gave me His life instead. The Spirit of Christ lives inside me and leads me forth.

Suicide is permanent, friend. There is no turning back. The devil desires to kill everything good in our lives and to kill us also. He desires to stop God’s purpose for us from coming to pass. He desires to keep us apart from God now and forever.

Jesus Christ, Son of God, and Lord, died on the cross to pay our sin penalty and was raised from the dead so all who turn from their sins and believe in Him as Lord, truly turning their lives over to His lordship now and forever, are forgiven and given everlasting life with God. He came to give us an abundant life – now, yes, and forevermore.

Jesus Christ saved me from living a life consumed with self that was all about me, me, and me, sin, and self, and brought me to God so I could be with Him everlastingly.

Suicide is NOT the answer. Suicide is NEVER the answer. The devil is a liar. If you’re contemplating suicide, you’re listening to the devil. The one true God is the Lord Jesus Christ, and He is all about forever life. Surrender yourself utterly to Jesus. Give your life totally to Him. Turn from your sins and receive the promise of forever with God. Read the Bible daily. Spend time with God daily. Find a good strong Bible-teaching church and become a healthy part of it. Cry out to Jesus for help. Cry out to strong Christians to help you also. Get the help you need. Choose life, my friend. Choose forever life with Jesus.

I wouldn’t go back for anything in the universe to the time I decided to die and to all the years of sin and brokenness. For I have found the reason for living. For living forever. I have found Jesus.

God doesn’t promise to take all our troubles away. But He will be with us through them all and one day will take us to a place where there will be no pain, no hurt, no suffering at all.

Give your life to Jesus, friend. Once, and for all! Don’t give up. Give your life to Him!

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