My New Dependency

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I have a new dependency. But this shouldn’t surprise me, or anyone who knows me. After all, I’m coming up on 45 years of different dependencies. I’ve been dependent on family, alcohol, starving myself, overeating, hurting myself, hurting others, anger, men, husbands, stuff, 12-step programs, ways of thinking, ways of talking, ways of interacting, counselors, pastors, dogs, work, accomplishments, dog rescue, churches, friends, enemies, and people, people, and more people. Did I say people? Oh yes. With surety I say yes. So how could I possibly have a new dependency when I’ve been dependent on just about everything and everyone? Easily.
For the first time in my life, I reflected this afternoon as I forced myself to do rest as I knew the Lord had called me to do, I have become utterly dependent on the one person I should have depended on all along. The Lord God almighty. Oh sure, I have been a Jewish-Christian for a good number of years now. I have had a pretty solid relationship with Him for a good while. But if the truth be known, I still placed my dependence on who and what was around me instead of fully placing it in Him.

Why did I reflect on this today? I wanted to understand why all of a sudden I am happier and more peaceful and content and satisfied than I have ever been in my life without any of the external things and people, personal dreams and desires, I have so desperately clung to throughout my life. And the answer is simple.

For the first time in my entire life, I feel entirely free from my dependence on humans to meet my needs and desires. I do not feel attached to any one person, any one place, any one thing, any one idea, anything other than my love for Jesus the Christ and my desire to love and serve the Lord with all my heart.

Does this mean I do not love my loved ones? Of course not. Of course I love them. Does it mean I do not love my dogs? Of course I love my dogs. Or my work? I love my work. But the truth of the matter is that none of this – and I mean none of this – comes even relatively close to my love for the Lord.

Whereas once I would fall into a million pieces and sink into a relentless depression if I lost someone I loved, or a beloved dog went to heaven, or a dream died, or a desire was not met, I have an entirely different response. Just last week, for instance, I lost my beloved beagle Beckles with Speckles. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Oh, how I cried and mourned my baby. And I still do grieve for her. But grater than my grief has been the joy of the Lord. I have been more focused on Him and my love for Him and desire to serve Him than I have been on what I have lost.

Just days ago, I was tormented with a strained relationship with someone I greatly love and respect. The Lord immediately convicted me of making a god out of this person. No wonder I was tormented. The Bible says that fear has torment, and I was stuck, and debilitated yet again, in the fear of man. I was more afraid of what this person thought of me and how the person treated me and how I wanted to respond than I was afraid of the Lord with the awe and reverence He so deserves. But as soon as the Lord chastened me, I repented. And when I found myself doing it again, I repented once more. Unlike in the past, when I would have torn down my life and burdened everyone around me with my unnecessary distress, I realized the phenomenal good that has come out of this experience.

This was not the first time I had gotten myself so utterly worked up over a relationship with a human. I have done it for decades, no exaggeration. But this time I opened up my spiritual eyes and my spiritual ears to the Lord and saw what He was showing me. This person is no god at all, nor does this person even want to be a god. I had put this person in this position in my mind, and this sin had to go. My repentance was the ticket to freedom – not just from the burden I had taken upon myself through my sin, but I had become free for the first time ever from everything I had once depended on.

So now what? The Lord. Yes, now the Lord. Now, as I saw this afternoon and feel deep in my heart even as I write right now, now my dependency is on the Lord. Sure, He uses humans to pour His blessings and provisions through sometimes. Sure, He blesses me through the dogs, by providing food, shelter, and such, by bringing wonderful friends into my life, and the list goes on. But no longer is my dependency on the people, the dogs, the stuff, etc. My dependency is on Him.

I was trained as a little girl to put my trust and faith and dependency in a human, and I have carried that around with me for decades. But no more. God has set me free – free to put my trust and faith in Him. He is my God. He is my Lord. He is my King. He is my provider. He is the love of my life.

My new dependency? The Lord. Sure, He was my love before. Sure, I have had a relationship with Him for a while. Sure, I have studied the Bible, gone to church, immersed myself in the Body of Christ, prayed, worshiped, and all the good stuff. But now, at last, I am utterly dependent – as I should be – on Him.

Dear God, I fall every day. I sin every day. I come to you every day for forgiveness. I do nothing perfectly. Sometimes I reach out and grab back a hold of something or someone I have held onto before as a dependency. But something is different now, God. I get it. And I so get it, that I believe from this day forward you will show me, and guide me, and lead me, to see when I am going backwards instead of forwards. Help me to know if and when I am going back to old dependencies, most especially on people. For I don’t want to live that way anymore. I am so incredibly sorry, Lord, for not recognizing you as sovereign – and for not treating you with the reverence and respect you deserve as my Lord. Please help me to remember my dependency is on you, and you alone. I love you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Amen. 

Mat 16:24 “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” KJV

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