Suicide Was All I Could See

When a man found my ministry online and told me he shares my background of wanting to commit suicide, it made me realize how incredibly much I take for granted what a long way I have come. After all, I wanted to die for years. I did a whole bunch of stuff that by all means could, and should, have ended in death, I thought about suicide so often for so long it’s a wonder I had time to think about much else, and several times I actually decided to take my life. If you have ever wanted to die as desperately as I did, and ever been so consumed by the thoughts that the idea of wanting to live is literally the farthest thing from your mind, you will understand that the place God has brought me out of and the place He has brought me to is indescribably, breathtakingly, and stunningly amazing.

The desperation I have today to live my life to the absolute fullest when it comes to loving and serving the Lord I spent much of my life not even believing existed is not only extraordinary. It is literally supernatural. How so? Not a single doctor, hospital, medication, psychologist, self-help group, counselor, therapist, psychologist, 12-step group, self-help group, sponsor, mentor, family member, or friend took me from where I was to where I am. Not that they didn’t try. Many went to extreme lengths. Many helped immensely. Nor was it because they didn’t care, and not because they weren’t trained to do so, not because they weren’t kind, compassionate, and loving. Why then?

Because it was humanly impossible to carry me across the bridge from living to die to dying to live. Dying to live? Yes. Absolutely. Jesus says if we want to follow Him, we have to deny ourselves (our own will, plans, agenda, dreams, desires, etc.), to take up our crosses (to die to self), and to follow Him by studying the Bible and learning to live according to God’s ways rather than the world’s and our ways. I have never wanted to live as much as I do today, nor have I ever had as strong a sense of purpose and reason for living as I have now. As Paul talks about in the Bible, I am learning to die to myself daily. Why? Because this new life I have through my faith in Jesus the Christ is not to be lived for me and according to my ways. It is to be lived for Him according to His ways. And I can think of no better way to thank the Lord for this new life He has given me than to do just that.

But He said, “The things that are impossible with people are possible with God.” Luke 18:27 NASB

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. Galatians 2:20 NASB

I affirm, brethren, by the boasting in you which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily. 1 Corinthians 15:31 NASB

And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. Luke 9:23 NASB

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Cor. 5:17 KJV

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Cor. 5:17 NLT

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