Are You Hurting Your Spouse?


“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Mt. 7:1-5……………..

““But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.” Luke 6:27-28……………

If there’s anything I’ve learned about those of us who have been badly hurt by a spouse, by a husband or wife, particularly when the hurt has been relentless, when our spouse just doesn’t seem to ever stop hurting us, and when the hurt is the really tough kind, the extra hard kind, the kind that comes with wounds so big we wonder how we’ll ever make it past them, let alone be healed of them, especially when it seems there’s always another hurt coming around the corner, it’s this. We may find it hard if not impossible to LOVE our spouse, we may find it hard if not impossible to FORGIVE our spouse, and we may find it hard if not impossible TO STOP POINTING THE FINGER at our spouse.

In my second marriage, in which I was treated abominably from just about day one, for most of the marriage, which turned out to be very short-lived given how quickly my husband wanted out of it, I struggled terribly with LOVING, with FORGIVING, and with STOPPING THE FINGER POINTING. I was so consumed with myself, and so consumed with my hurting, and so withdrew my love from him, and so most of the time was unable to forgive him, and spent so much of the time pointing the finger at him that I couldn’t for the life of me see let alone confess let alone do something about HOW MUCH I WAS HURTING MY SPOUSE.

All I could see most of the time was HIS WRONGDOING, and I was blinded by my pride and self-centeredness from seeing my heart and words and actions were filled with anger, rage, hurt, bitterness, envy, judgment, condemnation, worry, doubt, fear, vengeance, control, and manipulation. I JUSTIFIED ALL MY SIN by convincing myself I deserved to feel and speak and act the way I did. He deserved it, didn’t he? And even if I was hurting him, just a little, well, he had brought it on himself, right? WRONG!

The Lord commands us TO LOVE, TO FORGIVE, and TO DO RIGHT even when others are doing wrong. He teaches us to be responsible for ourselves and for our own thoughts, words, and actions. And, most importantly, THE LORD GIVES HIS FOLLOWERS BY HIS SPIRIT the LOVE, STRENGTH, ABILITY, MERCY, and absolutely EVERYTHING WE NEED to LOVE, to FORGIVE, and to DO RIGHT IN HIS SIGHT despite how anyone else might treat us.

The Lord ultimately led me to repentance before Him and before the man I had married. Though the marriage was already dead and gone, I still had a responsibility to repent and He gave me the strength to do so. If I had gone through the same marriage all over again, I would have done this. I would have TURNED TO THE LORD, TURNED TO HIS WORD, and STOPPED HURTING MY SPOUSE because no matter his words and actions, no matter how much he hurt me, WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR DOING WHAT IS RIGHT IN THE EYES OF THE LORD IN HIS LOVE IN HIS STRENGTH FOR HIS GLORY no matter how the world around us treats us.

If you can relate to any or all of this, please go before the Lord and let His Spirit speak to your heart about what to do. If you are not married, or your marriage is strong and healthy, please remember this teaching is NOT restricted to just marriage. WHENEVER someone is hurting us, WE ARE RESONSIBLE FOR LOVING, FOR FORGIVING, AND FOR TAKING RESPONSIBLIITY FOR OUR OWN SELVES IN THE SIGHT OF THE LORD RATHER THAN POINTING THE FINGER AND JUSTIFYING OUR OWN SINFUL BEHAVIOR.

May this message be used by the Lord to bring correction to any and all of us where it is needed that we would walk forward in our lives ever more mindful of the right way to live. In Christ’s love, by God’s Spirit, through God’s Word, for His glorious almighty glory, Amen!











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