I Am Grieving
“Rivers of waters run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law.” Psalm 119:136
“I beheld the transgressors, and was grieved; because they kept not thy word.” Psalm 119:156
I know grief intimately. Up close and personal. How gut wrenching, heartbreaking, unfathomably hard, how awful, unwelcome, debilitating it is. I once called it the “grief monster.” What a vehement, unrelenting, fiery, consuming rampage it has taken on my life – so many times. How many times it took me under the waters of tears and torment, of the breath-stealing, suffocating, too heavy weight of thoughts and feelings like I’ll-never-making-it-through-this, I-can’t-get-enough-air, the-depression-is-going-to-kill-me, where-has-hope-gone, oh-help-me, struggling to come up for air, only to find the next wave of it comes harder than the last. Raging, stormy waters of indescribably challenging wave after wave of hurt, oh, help me! Death of loved ones, loss of my family after talking about being sexually abused as a child, abandonment by two husbands, two divorces, the death of numerous dogs, the unexpected death of my pastor, my closest female friend found dead with a shotgun wound to her chest, the loss of friends and friendships, of dreams and hopes, and more.
Yet NONE of this comes close to the grief I know now daily. This grief is not about my heart. It is about God’s heart. It is not debilitating. It fuels my passion, my calling, my relentless drive to fulfill the life’s mission God has given me. It’s the grief of watching a world most of which it seems has its back turned to a God whose love is forever; whose mercy goes on; who sacrificed His only begotten Son to save humanity whose sin separates itself from Him; whose Son gave up His life and suffered an indescribably heinous death and was raised from the dead to pay our sin penalty to offer eternal life to those who repent, believe in Him, and turn to God and His ways; who despite the world’s despicable wickedness has not yet given up on us; whose beauty is unimaginable, whose love is so amazing, whose majesty is incomprehensible, who created us, provides for us, and blesses us immeasurably; who watches from heaven a world dying from its sin, rebellion, pride, and stupidity in thinking we will get away with living for ourselves and trampling over the Lord’s heart. I grieve for God and for how so much of humanity is rejecting Him. I grieve for humanity because so much of it is on the fast track to hell and the lake of fire. I grieve for those professing to believe in Christ who are not living for Him who may well be shut out of heaven. But my grief does not weigh me down. It spurs me on to keep proclaiming Christ to this perishing world.
Repent! Believe in Christ! Turn to God! Turn! Live for God forever! The time is now!